Bad Driver Therapy

September 22, 2006, Public Service Announcement/Request:

            All of this bad weather motorcycle traveling has become a boil on the butt of my emotions.  The drivers on the road around me have actually been quite considerate and careful, which is especially important in this weather.  But I sometimes think by contrast and in my foul mood the contrast was between the good drivers around me today, and my many recollections of another type of driver - one in need of a very distinct form of therapy which I describe below in this public service announcement...

            A little request from me to you.  Who are ‘you’?  ‘You’ have issues with another vehicle passing you on the road.  Not just a motorcycle, it’s not all about me, but any motor vehicle.  ‘You’ are the one who drives very slowly around corners and other areas where nobody can pass, then you speed up like a drunken teenager at the flat stretches where passing would otherwise be possible for those of us following your sorry ass. 

            ‘You’ don’t like to be passed, that’s obvious - but why?  The possibilities are endless but usually it’s directly related to some degree of inferiority complex; you are simply unhappy with yourself.  For many years now you have found daily reminders of how unhappy you are with the person you’ve become and that is what created the unbearable strife that drove the wretched development process which formed the driving loser called you.  I won't waste our precious time hashing out the other potential causal factors right now because regardless of the cause, the road to recovery begins the same way.  I want to help you and I’ve thought long and hard about a very distinct form of therapy that will help us both.  Beginning this therapeutic intervention will seem a bit drastic but you'll just have to trust me - I've got a Masters degree in Psychology.  The wisdom I'm about to impart to you will become crystal clear during your recovery from the first step...

            To start, go to your kitchen stove and turn one of the burners up to its highest level.  Wait ‘till it’s glowing.  Is it glowing yet?  Okay.  Now I’d like you to stick out your tongue out as far as you can – like a Gene Simmons impersonator.  Now you need to press that tongue on the burner, but wait - your immediate instinct will be to pull away from the burning heat; you need to fight that urge and hold your tongue, your lips, the tip of your nose and maybe even a little bit of cheek to the searing heat for a couple of seconds.  If you need a hand with this step call me, I’ll be glad to help.

            That was the most difficult part of this therapeutic intervention and I'm glad we got it out of the way first; the rest is comparatively easy but will still be a challenge for someone with your under-developed psychological bearing on life.  For the next 6-8 weeks you’ll be eating blended food through a tube because your regular eating style will be too painful during this initial recovery stage.  This is where true recovery begins.  You will have plenty of time on your hands because your branded burner face will probably prevent you from attending work or other social events.  Yes, this is the time for true reflective introspection.

            Think of a time when you were driving and a vehicle was behind you.  Were they behind you for a long time or did they just show up?  Let’s do some math.  If you are driving and nobody is behind you, then later you realize that someone is behind you, it's a mathematical certainty that they are, or were, traveling at a greater pace than you.  They’d likely continue at a greater pace than you but you are in the way.  Now you arrive at a possible passing zone; you floor it.  Why?  Now it’s time to suck down that blended cheeseburger, slowly, and contemplate what aggravates that inferiority complex when others try to pass you.  Let's contemplate some possibilities together...

            I have friends with horses and anyone with horses knows that horses function at the emotional level of a six year old kid (human, not goat).  They get jealous, competitive and generally strive for approval just like a six year old.  If a horse is being passed by another horse they’ll try to prevent it by speeding up - this provides a very lucrative industry in the South-Central US, but it's a real pain in the ass on the highways of the world.  Is this you, "Sea Biscuit", an emotionally deficient child with a drivers license who tries to keep others from passing just to appease your six year old ego??

            Maybe it’s more than that.  Perhaps you felt inadequate as a child trying to play competitive field sports.  Other kids ran faster than you and now can beat them by strategically pacing yourself in a way that will always give you the lead on the highway.  Is that you??  If it is, you simply need to admit it to yourself and realize the true cowardice of trying to feed your fragile, empty little nugget of self-esteem with the false notion of being a winner simply because you are number one in a long line of vehicles on the highway.

            Or maybe you’re just an asshole.  Maybe you know that others want to pass but you just can’t let them because that’s against your asshole nature.  There are books written on folks like you and you can find them in the self-help section at Barnes and Noble.  Don’t worry, they’ll help you find the right book - even with your burner branded face.  Just refer them to my website [www.dougsmotorcyclediary.com] and they’ll understand.  You might want to wear a mask to avoid scaring the children.

            Maybe your issues are far deeper than the aforementioned.  In any case you’ll have at least 6-8 weeks to figure it out, and even longer if you move forward with the physical aspect of your recovery by completing facial reconstructive surgery.  Don’t worry; remember you’re on the high road to recovery.  Whatever inferiority complex issues have plagued your development as a cordial driver and decent human being will become clear during this final recovery stage.  I'm confident that you will find happiness now and you'll be easier to get along with on the road.  I’m glad I could help - it always warms me up inside to know that I'm helping others.  Let me know if you have any questions.

            And I almost forgot - to all you other drivers out there, like the ones traveling with me today on the very cold, wet highways of Wyoming; you rock!